Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
