the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
