So drunk its hurt
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
