My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
