3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
