I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
