Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We need a shit load of segways right now
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
