Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
