You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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