What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
