Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
