if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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