I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
