The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
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