What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
