It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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