Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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