FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
