nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
