I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
