I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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