i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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