WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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