I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
