NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
