It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
