I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
