I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
