I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
