My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
