I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
