I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
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I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
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It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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