I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
