I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
