This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
