He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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