I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
