I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
