I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
