Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
