VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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