Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
