When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Let's paint friendship bongs
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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