I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
