No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
