i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
