True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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