have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
