i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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