Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
