8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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