Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
A+ Viking dick
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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