This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
