my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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