: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
So much rum. So many feels.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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