I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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