either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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