We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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