Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
