He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
