why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
