R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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