I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize