i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
