Pappa wants mamma naked
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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